Archive for May, 2005

Posted: 05/25/2005 in None

So Sad …

… and yet, so true


Posted: 05/25/2005 in None

A profound “Thank you” to those whom’ve expressed their concern and offered support recently. I’m particularly surprised by those whom have, and yet I’ve never met. Perfect strangers – though long-time readers (some whom even date back to v1.0) – have actually sent emails.

Frankly, I’ve been saying that I’m at ‘a crossroad in my life’ for quite some time now. It’s been a good couple of years, and yet oddly enough, it doesn’t seem to get any easier. Day by day, it gets harder. Truth is, I still can’t say I know what I want. I think I know, but I can’t be certain.

… nor do I, at times, feel worthy of anything. I bitch about having had to work hard for what I have, what I am today, but having grown up on the wrong side of the tracks, and being placed in a fortunate environment, it’s easy for me to say that others have it easy.

However, sometimes I step back to evaluate it all and I wonder. I really, really wonder. Am I a complete sham? I think one of my greatest traits is my outgoing personality. And yet, it leads to one of my greatest fears.

I instill confidence in others when it comes to me and my abilities. But I can’t help but wonder if I’ve been given far more credit than I deserve. I pride myself on being a man of my word, and I truly hate letting people down. At times, I feel that I might make life more difficult than it has to be when I inadvertently set that bar too high for myself.

… anyhow … *sigh* …

I suppose the pressure was mounting, and I was about to crack. And it certainly didn’t help any when I learned of my friend’s accident. I was pretty shaken up. I remained that way until I heard of her passing. There were some moments I was a complete wreck. I found myself needing to take time off from work just to go for a walk.

The original reason for heading out east for last weekend was a sombre one. However, as fate would have it, plans changed. It turned out to be a bit of a mixed blessing. On one hand, I was racked with guilt for not attending the memorial and funeral services. On the other, I was extremely glad to have spent time with good friends.

The Thursday night, Baby-J picked me up from the airport and we met up with D&G for a late dinner at Bâton Rouge. Baby-J called it a night, while D&G headed up north for some good old Chinese desserts.

Like old times … I’ve missed hanging with those two. Like Gracey once said, us hanging out is “stress-free”. … so very glad they drove in from the Hammer. It gets me feeling guilty though. They make such an effort to hit the big city, and we never did ever head out to their neck of the woods. I know there’s not a heck of a whole lot happening there, but it doesn’t make it right …

Being the workaholic that I am, Friday was a work day. Thank goodness for modern technology, or otherwise, I wouldn’t have gotten anything done. By night, Baby-J and I drove up to the Slammer to pick up Kira. Boy, have I missed her dearly. Not to say that I’ve missed being woken up with a cold nose to the small of my back, or the back of my neck … but I’ve missed her company immensely.

Late at night, Pac-Man called for a meeting at the clubhouse. We spent time catching up. Talking with him is always easy. You just say it; simple enough. I’m glad to hear things are slowly working out for him.

Saturday morning was a long walk with Baby-J and Kira. Dalo popped back into town for dinner with us and Jack-E, Pac-Man, and Renka. I had originally wanted to treat Renka to dinner for her birthday, so I chose for us to dine at George; a restaurant, she’d been meaning to try out.

The ambiance was simple and elegant. But, ambiance never sold me on any restaurant. It always comes down to the food. The food didn’t disappoint. In particular, both Renka and I really enjoyed a most supple, moist Jasmine Scented Pork Tenderloin. Baby-J‘s Thai Curry Halibut was lovely as well, being seared to perfection leaving the top crisp, and the rest quite tender. Other popular dishes were the Vanilla Cured Duck Breast and the Wild Boar.

The service, however, left a bit to be desired. It’s understandable that given a larger party, they’d tend to give you the time and privacy. But, it almost seemed like we were ignored. It still irks me, to no end, that the ladies are not served first. Moreover, they also served the wrong plate to the wrong people. Nonetheless, Renka and I capped off the dinner with cups of Illy espresso.

Dinner was fun, sitting with a good group of friends. I love having good company, good food, good laughs. It’s always been a favourite combination of mine.

After dinner, we hit up Yorkdale to catch “Unleashed“. We’re all more or less Jet Li fans.

The story’s a little bit far-fetched, but fun to watch nonetheless. I must say, there was very little character development other than Jet Li‘s character. It was basically a no-brainer action flick with the odd funny one-liner.

The movie wasn’t a true showcase of martial arts, but just a good case of ass-kicking.

After sending everyone home, Pac-Man and I held another meeting.

Baby-J and I bummed around with Kira most of Sunday morning. I got some more work done. By evening, D&G popped into town again, met up with us, Jack-E and Pac-Man for a little Korean BBQ action. After dinner, Baby-J was off to the boyfriend’s, while the rest of us headed for Chinese desserts again.

D&G headed home, so Jack-E, Pac-Man and I down a pint at a familiar watering hole. It was good to hang with the guys … discussing the finer things life has to offer.

I dropped by Renka‘s after dropping the guys off. We spent some hours catching up on things. We’ve both been busy these last months and haven’t really talked. I think we both miss those days of last year … having made our bi-weekly dinner dates, but finding ourselves dining out every other day … 😛

Monday was a day of errands … then back to Cow-Town … back to the grind … In fact, it was airport-office-home(shower)-office …

… which brings us up to date …

Posted: 05/25/2005 in None

Happy Birthday, Renka!

Ah, my culinary partner in crime … How I’ve missed you … It’s not the same, I tell you …

It was truly great to see you the other night … though entirely way too late! I shouldn’t have stayed so long into the wee hours of the morning; Sorry!

Posted: 05/18/2005 in None

In all honesty, I’ve been finding it hard stay optimistic lately. I can’t quite definitively say what it was, as I’m sure it’s a variety of things. Some I may have mentioned before, some I dare not get into here. But nonetheless, I feel like I once did … extremely jaded by life.

For this social creature, to utter the words “I’m not feeling very social”, comes as a shock to some. I’ve been using that phrase on a near daily basis. Frankly, I’m finding myself only really only wanting to be in select company. Sadly, most of those people are not within arm’s reach … and yet, those that seemingly are within arm’s reach … well … *sigh*

I suppose I’m lacking companionship. I really have no friends here. In Van, there are The Fam, The Boys … and what’s left of what Blondie calls my ‘harem’. In TO, there was the Pub Crew (comprised of the The Ruggers and ladies we knew at the bar), my Marilla, my culinary partner in crime, the other member of the club, and the rest of the ritual members.

Maybe I’m just hitting that wall. It’s been a trying couple of weeks. This last week has been particularly tough. Work is getting to me. People are getting to me. I’m lonely. Then, mid-week, I get news of a friend having been in a car accident in which a drunk driver ran her off the road. Being the trooper that she was, she hung in there … until Sunday morning.

Rest in peace, ‘Nats’ … You’ll be missed …

What I wouldn’t give for just five minutes alone with that drunk driver. And it does scare me how much I want that. I am so full of angst and anger right now, I’m not entirely sure if it’s healthy.

In any case … back to reality …

Lemming-Boy, my friend, I do know how you feel; only, I sit in the unenviable position as the devil’s advocate … and shoot myself in foot …

I’m not making any sense to you, am I? Well, perhaps if you understood my situation, you might be inclined to agreed with me. But far too often I’ve been guilty of not practicing what I preach.

But look at it this way, you have options; well, to a degree. I understand your current situation is not as what your folks would like. On one hand, you’re are a big boy. On the other, and take it from a guy who’s been through something similar, not having their approval makes your dating life suck. Tough call …

Secondly, dealing with a co-worker under such circumstances is tricky. Working with someone you’re attracted to is a rough ride. You can be constantly distracted, hoping you’d get a chance to talk to her; even if it means making up stupid excuses. What’s worse is when your mind runs wild and becomes preoccupied by it all. Trust me, it sucks.


So last weekend, Cutie and I caught “Crash“. I really didn’t now what to expect from the movie at first. In talking to others, I was told it’s “a car accident brings together a group of strangers in Los Angeles …”. I immediately thought this movie would be similar to that of “Go“.

Such was not the case. This movie was tragically beautiful. It is though provoking. It is the truth. Life ain’t all white picket fences and pretty roses. In fact, this flick reminds me of “Traffic“. Of course, leave it to a Canadian to showcase how fucked up life is.

Great cast. Great acting. Great story. All is fucked up.

Posted: 05/14/2005 in None

… so it’s obvious that you don’t have to be out of sight … to be out of mind …

Posted: 05/10/2005 in None

I’m Old …

I suppose I can’t really deny it. Perhaps much to Dimples‘ satisfaction, I’ll admit … I’m old. Or perhaps I’m just an old soul …

So I caught up with Cutie a bit, after her little bout with the cold. We caught “Kingdom Of Heaven“. She’s an Orlando Bloom fan. I’m all about the old-school chivalry and honour.

For the most part, I found the movie to be fun to watch. However, I was constantly waiting for it to really ‘pick-up’. Perhaps, I was hoping for some good old fight scenes like that of “Gladiator” or the “LOTR” series. The movie never seemed to pick up steam.

This flick was much more drama than action. Honestly, had it not been for the story line and dialogue, I might have just dozed off to sleep. The biggest draw for me was the strength of word, and honour. Anyone who knows me but a little knows just how much one’s word and honour mean to me.

Perhaps, I was born much, much too late. Maybe a thousand years too late. Perhaps several thousand years too late. I watch movies like “The Last Samurai” and I find myself wishing that people I deal with on a daily basis had the integrity of those I see on the screen. Hell, even if it’s ‘honour among thieves’ like that of Mario Puzo‘s “The Godfather“, at least there is honour.

… & write back @ ya’!

Jovo : Well … Ah-Mun is okay… when she listens …

… but that Ah-Ho … I tell ya’ … there’s no hope for that kid … 😛

Was it Keach who said that? … can’t remember … old …

Posted: 05/08/2005 in None

Here I go again. A complete ramble …

I haven’t been able to sleep this last week. I can’t quite put my finger on the reason, but this last week has been very trying. So many of the little things are plaguing my mind; none of which is within my control.

One thing that has really been making me think is people and their choices. There’s that age-old saying that “one wants what one can’t have”. Is there any truth to it? Is the grass truly greener on the other side of the fence? It’s long been said that primates are the only animals that display behavioral greed; humans being the worst of all. Have we become so innately greedy that we must have it all?

Admittedly, material goods were never so much what tempted me. I think it’s due largely to my having had rather particular tastes and required specifications. However, a pattern which I’ve found myself following, is to want the intangibles. I want that that I cannot just buy. I want that that I cannot take. I want … more.

But, none of what I want can be given me to either. Yes, it must be earned … and hence my dilemma …

I *am* that shit-flavoured lollipop (and don’t you smart-asses tell me it’s the #1 selling novelty item in Japan).

It certainly seems the term Don Taylor used to describe Leif Rohlin is applicable to me … “He’s a complete waste of skin …”

Like Bokeem Woodbine‘s character in “Life” … I should be called “Can’t Get Right“, because I just can’t get it right.

I’ve tried to think back to what I’ve done well … what I’ve succeeded in … what I’ve gained in earnest … *sigh* … and I come up with not a single thing.

“Well … what about …”

No …

“… but … you …”

Nope …

“.. okay, there’s …”

N’uh-huh … *sigh* … sucks to be me … but you already knew that …