Posted: 01/20/2005 in None

WARNING: Long Post … broken into two parts

shit

I know … I’ve been neglecting this blog. I’ve been busy. Bite me.

Lately, I’ve found that I’ve had so little motivation to write up anything here. Things have happened. Things have been said. Thoughts occurred. So much material … and yet … nothing. I had so little motivation, until today …

So, I was chatting with a good, good friend of mine some time ago – just after new year’s, in fact. Of course, the natural line of conversation would have us touch on the resolutions for the new year.

I didn’t really get into details about my resolutions, because over the years, I never really bothered with them. But given this last year I had just endured, I had thoughts about what I should work on. However, in the end, I still didn’t think much of it.

Lately, things changed a little. This was due to several events; some yesterday, and some today. They were separate instances, and not related. But all involved people I care a great deal for. I will not get into the particulars, as it’s not my place.

These incidences involve people making choices – choices that I can’t even say affect me directly. But, as these people are my friends, I am concerned. I worry about the decisions they make. I cannot bear the thought of my friends being in a position where they can hurt; especially if there was something I could have said or done that would have prevented it.

And hence my dilemma … What is my place?

In my family, we go toe-to-toe on any issues regarding its members. So long as we hash it out verbally, the decision is free to be made by the individual. We are fiercely loyal to each other. This is what I grew up with. This is what I know. I know not of any other way to be. And perhaps that is my flaw …

My friends are like family to me. You’re talking to a guy that has too many little sisters to count. I need not blood to bond me to my brothers from different mothers. What is family, really, other than those whom you love?

It’s no secret people do come to me for help, advice, even if just for me to act as a sounding board … to be that devil’s advocate. And given my loyal nature, I will give it to you straight. I will not lie. I won’t even suger-coat it. I owe that to my friend. Or so I thought …

Over the years, I’ve lost some friends. I lost some friends over what I thought was their inability to take the truth, to listen, or to understand. I won’t argue who was right or wrong. I’ll let my affiliations speak for itself. But, perhaps I did overstep some boundaries …

Where do you draw ‘the line’? … This I need to know.

… I know this might all seem like bullshit to you … but it’s bugging me. Don’t think much of it. No names. No details. No specifics. Just thoughts I’m throwing down. Just leave me be, please …

the shit

After a previous post, I actually got a email response from Trace, whom I haven’t seen in a year. It was great to hear from her, although what she had to say in her email was far too kind.

This gorgeous girl and I have known each other for about a decade now. We ran in similar circles and always enjoyed each other’s company. She remarked that I shouldn’t have so much to worry, and that she couldn’t imagine I would have any troubles with the ladies. Sweetheart, you’re dead wrong …

Baby-J pointed it out. Dutchess agrees. Irv‘s said it. My boys know it. And so does every lady I know.

Fact is, I was always one of the girls. Such exposure to the opposite sex leaves me understanding how they think. So, it’s not uncommon that I would be able to help other in advising them in what to and not to do. That was easy.

*BUT*, that’s not to say I’ve learned anything as to what they think. I’m still lost. I wish I knew. I wish I had a clue. And so, when dealing with a lady I’m interested in … I’m about as useful as a shit-flavoured lollipop.

So in chat with Renka tonight, she actually posed the question:

“… actually, I’ve never asked you, do you have a particular person you are remotely interested in?”

… and my response was:

“… not really …”

I suppose one could argue that it’s an ambiguous, non-committal answer. And those whom know me best would claim my words are a double-edged sword. Perhaps both are correct.

I proceeded to explain to Renka that I have met some nice ladies … great ladies, in fact. But nothing will happen. I say again, nothing will happen. And I’ll tell you why …

Firstly, I’ll forever be the friend. Upon meeting me, women instantly put me into that category. Moreover, as Baby-J said today, “… boyfriends come and go … but you’ll always be there …”.

Secondly, I haven’t a clue where I’ll be in … 2 years … 3 years … 5 years. I’m at that point where I don’t want to date around. I wouldn’t bother with a relationship unless I see something meaningful and worthwhile.

Lastly, all the good ones are taken, and/or not interested, available, or within my league. Sometimes I feel like I’ve arrived just a little too late. I made the big mistake in investing six years of my life to someone that I thought was my future.

But don’t get me wrong. I’m in no rush, per se. Sometimes I do get lonely, as I’m sure everyone does. I related to what Dimples had to say once. You look around … it’s the holiday season … you see the snow-capped mountains … and you wish you had someone to share that with. Do I ever …

So, if the question is, “… met someone?”. My answer would be, “… dunno … {shrugs shoulders} … mebbe … let’s eat …”. I’ve met a few people that have perked my interest, but none whom have given me the light of day.

It takes me far too long to get to know someone well enough to make a move. And it’s always well beyond that which they’d call that ‘window of opportunity’.

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