Posted: 07/08/2004 in None

Fuck! Fuckity! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

WARNING! : Long, Vicious Rant – Please read disclaimer first; otherwise, please do not read any further.

Can’t sleep … don’t know why. Okay, so I lied. I do know why, but there’s nothing I can do about it. Fuck!

I’m fucking exhausted mentally. And yet my body doesn’t seem to cooperate. I can’t get any decent sleep. When I do fall asleep, I wake up all too soon. I toss and turn all night. And yet, my body is not entirely fatigued.

I always knew my life would be one of hardship. I knew that from a very young age. Not that I’m saying I’m free of fault here. I know I’ve made my mistakes in life. However, sometimes it certainly feels like life has dealt me a real fucking tart lemon.

Okay, so everyone comes across crossroads in one’s lifetime. But I ask you, how often do you hear of a person facing a dozen crossroads in a span of a decade. And no, we’re not talking about such crossroads as “which car to buy” or “do I go for the 5-year or the 10-year mortgage?”. I’m talking about decisions that will undoubtedly affect, sway, alter the entire course of the rest of your life.

Yes, I can guess what you’re thinking now. *Boo-hoo … get your ass in gear … don’t complain about it … you asked for it … make it happen …* “… blah blah blah blah … blah …”. For most of you out there, I wouldn’t be so quick to judge. Take a fucking walk in my shoes for a mile before you even say a word. Let’s just see if you have the breath in you to say anything at all.

I admit. I fucked up at times. In my younger years, I did some stupid shit. I made stupid mistakes. But I do beg to say I’ve smartened after all of that, and turned things around. However, it was since then that influences beyond my control have fucked up my chances. Be it people, be it circumstances … I got screwed.

There are things in life that I want. Will I work for them? Damn straight, I will. But in this fucked-up world, not everyone has the luxury of going straight for the goods. I am one of those unfortunate ones. Do not get me wrong. This is not a case of sour grapes.

I do believe in destiny. I believe that everything happens for a reason. And if this is such the case that it is a challenge that I must overcome, then so be it. Bring it on. I’ll take on whatever fucking challenges comes my way.

Do I envy my peers? Fuck, yeah I do. But I will not tarnish their efforts. They deserve what they have. They’ve worked diligently to achieve their goals. And in them, I see they have what I want. So many of my peers out there are well on their way. Do I wish I was right there along with them? D’uh!.

Let’s look at my friends, shall we? I envy the likes of Baby-J and Renka for their clarity of vision for their goals. I envy Brighteyes, Jovo, Blondie, Jenny-Baby and Dutchess for their positive outlook, perseverance and “never say die attitude”. I envy Berty and Ah-Mun for their ability to remain humble while they’ve practically got it all. I envy Bo and Ah-Ho for their youthfulness – their zest for life – without the fear of being jaded by life.

But what I envy most … is what the likes of Dalo and Gracey, Wingman and I-V, Chip and Sans, JB and Shar, Willie and Ghis … they all have someone.

I miss having someone. In fact, who wouldn’t want to have a someone? I miss the warmth. I miss the touch. I miss having someone to turn to. I miss having someone turn to me. I miss calling someone to say “good night”. I miss having someone to share my life with. It sounds sappy, I know … but it’s true. I have been lonely for a very long time. In fact, it has been years – only, I never really let myself admit to it, not even to myself.

Do I need someone? No. But I *want* someone. There’s a big difference. Please make note of that. Lately, some of you have begun asking about that wonderful woman, that “incredible” chick since I’ve stopped writing about her. In that department, it’s simple. There are factors that I cannot compete with. Some are simply beyond my control. Some are my own insecurities.

Why do I bother worry about that when I should be concentrating on bigger things? I agree. But, it’s still on my mind. It may sound like an excuse, but I actually function better in a relationship. It’s like it gives me reason to get up in the morning. It gives me reason to do something with my life. Crazy, I know …

Some months back, I had an epiphany. I hurried to call Baby-J right away to tell her. I need to be a go-get’er. I need to be more aggressive. But then, life threw a big monkey-fucking-wrench into the works when my school plans got royally fucked up the ass with a sharp stick. And so, I sit in limbo … again.

What must I do? It’s like trouble is attracted to me like flies to shit.

Anyhow … whatever … “… and on to a new day …”


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