Posted: 05/18/2004 in None

… okay … enough “mood music” …

It’s been a long time since I’ve actually written up a posting for my blog. I must admit, I’m a little hesitant. To say I’m a little out of practice would be an wee bit of an understatement. But, along those lines, I must say that my hesitancy is due largely to the fact that my previous experience with my blog, though thoroughly therapeutic, I’d rather forget it. So, once again, please review my disclaimer before you go on reading.

On this night, I sit here thinking. I can’t sleep. So this post will be, in large part, my mind’s ramblings.

I’m trying to think of the last time I truly had a good night’s sleep. I fail. I can’t remember the last time I woke up feeling incredibly refreshed, looking forward to the day. In fact, it’s been a long, long time since I’ve really had anything to look forward to.

This last year or so, I’ve dreaded most mornings. I hated waking up to the uncertainty that was my life. But lately, life has been a little better. This is rather ironic considering how I look at my life, and find that there so much that isn’t going my way.

I’ve been terribly homesick. I miss Van-City like never before. I miss my family. I miss my friends, I miss the city. I miss my old way of life. It is strange that despite having moved to tha T-Dot nearly a year ago, I’m feeling the most homesick just as I’ve finally begun to live life here.

I’m a social creature. (… yes, more creature than social, I know …) I truly enjoy meeting people. Lately, there’s been a lot of that. I’ve been meeting people and having a blast. For that, I must thank Renka. She’s been an absolute gem – my culinary partner in crime!

School has been a bust for me. I was quite upset how things turned out there. But, there isn’t much I can do. It was well beyond my control. Now, I’m stuck scrambling to find a solution, but well after all the applications deadlines.

This, of course, begs the question whether I should just up and move home. I don’t know. Despite all the bad things that have happened here, I’ve found that I was able to focus on school more than ever before. I would imagine it has something to do with the fact that I had little pressure from my surroundings, or that I had placed more pressure on myself. Either way, I did have the most productive school year in recent memory.

Also, having Baby-J move in with me has been exactly what the doctor ordered. A friendship based on 10+ years, and a heavy dose of “unconditional love” has made living with her an absolute blessing. Our relationship is a unique one, to say the least. Frankly, we know people simply don’t understand it. But hey, we don’t need them to understand. It just works for us.

In the matters of love, *sigh* what can I say, other than I’m in recovery; and suffering all the pitfalls that is to be expected for such an undertaking. Still relatively fresh off of a horrible, long-term ‘relationship’ I’ve been trying to move on with life. But moving on has seen me make some mistakes. Firstly, I made the mistake of seeing some ladies way too soon after the fact. These ladies had approached me before the end of the relationship, but I remained faithful. But soon after the break-up they came calling.

It was during this time that I found that perhaps I’m a little too forgiving when it comes to people. I tend to want to look for the good in people, and not weigh heavily enough their short-comings. In the case of these ladies, 2 were simply not right for me – a fact I knew in the back of my mind, but never allowed myself to see. As per the other 2 ladies, it was a matter of poor timing. One was “never going to happen”, while the other was “just the wrong time zone”. Such a shame …

The worst of it all might be that of an epiphany I had some time ago. I want the unattainable. I met a most wonderful woman, and she’s so out of my league I might as well have been playing a different sport. She is incredible. Now why would she want to have anything to do with me? She can have her pick, there’s no sane reason why she’d ever look my way. Aim too high, do I? … *sigh* … yes … yes, I do …

On a brighter note, things I do have to look forward to are a couple of visitors coming out this way. Wingman will be coming out this way for a little over a week. Then I fly back home for a couple of weeks. GuessGirl flies back out here with me to spend some time. It should be fun. Hopefully, I can catch Cutie when she’s in town. It’d be nice to see the familiar faces here.

I’ve gotten back into the soccer thing again with Berty and the Unreliable$ crew. Good people … but totally unreliable. I tell you, it’s great to be able to get out and run some ball to get the blood going. I’m getting pretty determined to get back into somewhat respectable shape. I don’t think I’ll ever be as cut as I was in high school with the 4% body fat … but hey, wishful thinking.

Okay … 5 AM … time to sleep … er, nap …

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