Posted: 05/15/2003 in None

I remember trying out for the Vancouver Under 17 rugby squad for the BC Summer Games of 1995. There was this one guy that had all the talent in the world. I mean, this guy could do it all. He could play any position. He could run, hit, throw, kick, pass, push, catch … everything a team was looking for. His only drawback? … He’d half-ass it all. A real shame it was. While half-ass’ing it, he was still out-playing everyone on the field; that’s how much natural ability he had. It’s a shame we had to cut him.

It’s a shame that in life, such is the same. In any relationship, if one does not put in the effort, all can be lost.

I’ve often prided myself on the people I’ve surrounded myself with. “You’re only as good as the company you keep,” as they say. I would have never questioned my own value … until now. My friends have meant the world to me. It is times like this when one turns to one’s friends for the support one needs.

I knew that I can always turn to my loved ones for support. And I’m sure that this stands true today. Lord knows I’d be there for them until the bitter end. That’s the way I am. Hell, I watched my beloved Canucks until the final second when they got thumped in the playoffs. But, like most of the fans, I felt disappointed; as if they plain gave up. Just like this case here; my loved one just gave up. How do you turn to your loved ones for help, if it’s a loved one that has hurt you so much? The rules go to shit … and I can’t make heads or tails of it … I’m so fucking lost, I’m close to giving up.

Yes, indeed … the fit has hit the shan

I’ve been told all my life that I’m an insanely private person. I’d have to agree with that to a degree. There are just some things that I don’t talk about. Mind you, I always pass it off as the way my mind works. Usually, when faced with a problem, I retreat and assess the issue. I search for a solution and execute it. By the time I’m ready to talk about it, the solution has already been set in motion.

However, I do tend to keep some things inside. Perhaps it’s pride. Perhaps it’s just me being stubborn. But either way, there will always be certain things that I will not openly discuss. I’ve always thought that was pretty normal. That is, until I received an email.

On 05.14.2003 Tina, Tina, [CENSORED] Machina wrote:

Subject: insight

I just went through your archives on the web and I must say I am shocked. A whole side of you that I have never seen, and although I knew it existed, it is astonishing to really see (even if only partially) the depths of your passions, angers, frustrations, insights, thoughts and views. After reading all of that I sat there is awe for several minutes. You are truly an intriguing person Warz. An enigma of sorts, yet so much passion and strength comes through your words that I was entranced. I couldn’t tear my eyes away form your page. I must admit I am also relieved though, because even if you do go away then I feel now I still have a link to you even if I can’t afford to call or see you. Your frustrations with your friends shows how much you value them and how dedicated you are to them (I think anyone that has ever come to you in a time of need of confusion knows this!) You are a remarkable person Warz. Don’t ever forget that. You have done more good in your life to both your friends and strangers than probably all of us combined. Thank you for your friendship. It has meant the world to me, and although we don’t always talk or see each other very often, it is comforting to know you are always there for me, like an invisible guardian. I hope you know how important you are in my life. Thank you for being such a wonderful person and friend.

Maybe I am more private than I thought. Truth be told, I’m almost brutally honest with Tina, Tina, [CENSORED] Machina – … well, all but the “4th Potential” … but that’s another matter altogether I get to hold over her head for some time to come. It came as a bit of a shock to me that she even viewed me in that light. Over the years I’ve known her we’ve been known to throw some jabs at each other. We’ve always been supportive of each other, but I had no clue I could even have such an effect on her.

… which brings me to God-Twin … Since her return from her vacation in Italia, we’ve spent quite a bit of time together as we often do – licking our wounds and recovering from the cruelties that are our lives. You see, she and I are going through practically same problems, only we’re on the opposite sides of them. We try to console the other, only to have each party find an empty feeling and remorse when we understood what each of us made the other party feel. Oi … what a pair we make …

Both God-Twin and I are trying to come to terms with our own imperfections. And it hasn’t been easy, I’ll tell you. I never thought self-esteem was an issue for either one of us, but it’s hit us hard. The other day, I was driving along and The Offspring‘s “Self Esteem” was queued on the radio. That song hit home, big time. Tonight, I heard 98 Degrees‘ “Invisible Man“. That song brought back some old memories of D.

My night with God-Twin had our share of laughs and tears. But all in all, it’s a good night. It always is with her. In the end, it always gets better.

On the upside, she’s looking to meet some of my new friends. She’s heard so much about Chev, Jo and Vic that she feels like she knows them – so she might as well meet them. I promised her that in due time, it’ll happen.


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