Archive for May, 2003

Posted: 05/15/2003 in None

I remember trying out for the Vancouver Under 17 rugby squad for the BC Summer Games of 1995. There was this one guy that had all the talent in the world. I mean, this guy could do it all. He could play any position. He could run, hit, throw, kick, pass, push, catch … everything a team was looking for. His only drawback? … He’d half-ass it all. A real shame it was. While half-ass’ing it, he was still out-playing everyone on the field; that’s how much natural ability he had. It’s a shame we had to cut him.

It’s a shame that in life, such is the same. In any relationship, if one does not put in the effort, all can be lost.

I’ve often prided myself on the people I’ve surrounded myself with. “You’re only as good as the company you keep,” as they say. I would have never questioned my own value … until now. My friends have meant the world to me. It is times like this when one turns to one’s friends for the support one needs.

I knew that I can always turn to my loved ones for support. And I’m sure that this stands true today. Lord knows I’d be there for them until the bitter end. That’s the way I am. Hell, I watched my beloved Canucks until the final second when they got thumped in the playoffs. But, like most of the fans, I felt disappointed; as if they plain gave up. Just like this case here; my loved one just gave up. How do you turn to your loved ones for help, if it’s a loved one that has hurt you so much? The rules go to shit … and I can’t make heads or tails of it … I’m so fucking lost, I’m close to giving up.

Yes, indeed … the fit has hit the shan

I’ve been told all my life that I’m an insanely private person. I’d have to agree with that to a degree. There are just some things that I don’t talk about. Mind you, I always pass it off as the way my mind works. Usually, when faced with a problem, I retreat and assess the issue. I search for a solution and execute it. By the time I’m ready to talk about it, the solution has already been set in motion.

However, I do tend to keep some things inside. Perhaps it’s pride. Perhaps it’s just me being stubborn. But either way, there will always be certain things that I will not openly discuss. I’ve always thought that was pretty normal. That is, until I received an email.

On 05.14.2003 Tina, Tina, [CENSORED] Machina wrote:

Subject: insight

Warz,
I just went through your archives on the web and I must say I am shocked. A whole side of you that I have never seen, and although I knew it existed, it is astonishing to really see (even if only partially) the depths of your passions, angers, frustrations, insights, thoughts and views. After reading all of that I sat there is awe for several minutes. You are truly an intriguing person Warz. An enigma of sorts, yet so much passion and strength comes through your words that I was entranced. I couldn’t tear my eyes away form your page. I must admit I am also relieved though, because even if you do go away then I feel now I still have a link to you even if I can’t afford to call or see you. Your frustrations with your friends shows how much you value them and how dedicated you are to them (I think anyone that has ever come to you in a time of need of confusion knows this!) You are a remarkable person Warz. Don’t ever forget that. You have done more good in your life to both your friends and strangers than probably all of us combined. Thank you for your friendship. It has meant the world to me, and although we don’t always talk or see each other very often, it is comforting to know you are always there for me, like an invisible guardian. I hope you know how important you are in my life. Thank you for being such a wonderful person and friend.

Maybe I am more private than I thought. Truth be told, I’m almost brutally honest with Tina, Tina, [CENSORED] Machina – … well, all but the “4th Potential” … but that’s another matter altogether I get to hold over her head for some time to come. It came as a bit of a shock to me that she even viewed me in that light. Over the years I’ve known her we’ve been known to throw some jabs at each other. We’ve always been supportive of each other, but I had no clue I could even have such an effect on her.

… which brings me to God-Twin … Since her return from her vacation in Italia, we’ve spent quite a bit of time together as we often do – licking our wounds and recovering from the cruelties that are our lives. You see, she and I are going through practically same problems, only we’re on the opposite sides of them. We try to console the other, only to have each party find an empty feeling and remorse when we understood what each of us made the other party feel. Oi … what a pair we make …

Both God-Twin and I are trying to come to terms with our own imperfections. And it hasn’t been easy, I’ll tell you. I never thought self-esteem was an issue for either one of us, but it’s hit us hard. The other day, I was driving along and The Offspring‘s “Self Esteem” was queued on the radio. That song hit home, big time. Tonight, I heard 98 Degrees‘ “Invisible Man“. That song brought back some old memories of D.

My night with God-Twin had our share of laughs and tears. But all in all, it’s a good night. It always is with her. In the end, it always gets better.

On the upside, she’s looking to meet some of my new friends. She’s heard so much about Chev, Jo and Vic that she feels like she knows them – so she might as well meet them. I promised her that in due time, it’ll happen.

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Posted: 05/11/2003 in None

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Posted: 05/10/2003 in None

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Posted: 05/07/2003 in None

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I haven’t slept so you’re going to have to bear with me here … In my ramblings of late, I didn’t bring myself to mention something rather important. I should address the rest of people involved …

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In no way, form or fashion is this an attack on you. I have all the respect in the world for you guys. This is simply between me and him.

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As per the old crew, I think it’s fair to say that this has been long time coming. And it would be a lie to say these issues haven’t been around for a while now. However, truth is, some of our relationships have been strained because of it. It fucking sucks. I wish things were the way they were a couple of years ago … I really, really do.

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The new crowd … please make no mistake. This has very little to do with you guys other than the fact that you’re caught up in it. You’re not at fault here, and I hope you don’t feel bad about it. Fact is, the problems and issues go way back; back to before you got to know him. I know it sounds shitty coming from me, but simply put, you don’t know the half of it. There is so much history there that you wouldn’t see where I’m coming from.

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I truly hate that it’s come to this. I truly regret that it’s happening at all. But I do value all of your friendship. I just hope this won’t hurt us any.

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Posted: 05/06/2003 in None

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What price would you pay for honesty? What would it cost for sincerity? What would you give for a friend?

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It’s been nearly a month since I’ve posted any sort of update. As one friend as said, I’ve been “off the radar”. In some respects, I have. Admittedly, I haven’t been myself. Lately, I’ve posted that I’ve been more like my former self … more like how I was in high school. Indirectly, I have been.

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I’ve been dragged into a lot of things from my past. Kinda like dealing with one’s own demons. So at times, my mind has been preoccupied with that as I try to move away from it. Very soon, I may be moving away from my homebase along the wet coast. I love this city, and I may be moving to a city that I’m not so sure I like so much. Lastly, there are relationship troubles. Ah … here and there, problems everywhere. My circle of friends has been almost more a curse than a blessing. The worst part is, this circle is a like a delicate eco-system; any changes could cause a ripple-effect, an effect that could prove devastating.

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The month started off with an interesting note. One night I was up doing some research for a client. BonBon popped online. She couldn’t sleep. We chatted a little bit. We shared some courting/dating secrets of about the opposite sex. I quite enjoyed the chat. Normally, she’s loaded with sarcasm, at least towards me. It was quite nice to have a good talk with her.

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Some time later, Tina, Tina, [CENSORED] Machina called. She rarely calls me anymore. As she says, she usually only calls when she’s got troubles and needs to talk to me about them. So, I guess if she’s not calling it means that she’s been just dandy as of late. Fortunately, for us both, it was a social call … of sorts …

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Her call was laced with a bit of trouble. She did ask me those usual questions about boys … and men … and how they differ … why they do the things they do … and whatnot. However, I don’t think I’ve ever admitted to her (or anybody for the matter) how much I enjoy those conversations. Along the lines of my chat with BonBon, it makes me think. I tend to learn more about people, about human nature in the process.

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I guess I’ve been lacking that intellectual stimulation. Anyone who knows me well enough knows that one of my favourite things in life is the combination of good company, good food, and good conversation. I could sit for hours on end talking about anything. One of my deepest desires is to assemble my most intellectual friends together for a fully-catered dinner party where we could just sit, eat, sip wine and chat; … just chat the night away.

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I suppose it would be entertaining for us to argue too. I mean, an argument is no more than one hoping to convince others of what one feels is “right”. Of course, that would mean such people would need to be mature. Which brings me to my point of the evening …

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As of late, spending time with my friends has been bitter-sweet. I would have to elaborate on this for people to understand, but I’m not truly at liberty to say much at this point. For those in the loop, you know what I’m talking about. For those smart and observant enough, they will understand. For others, tough luck. No one will be sparred here. You should read my disclaimer before you continue on …

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Simply put, there is one person (whom I’m hesitant to regard as a friend anymore, since he certainly does not seemingly treat me like one anymore) whom is pissing me the fuck off. It’s been going on for a while now. His own problems started some years ago, and it was painfully obvious that it was bothering him. Some of us have tried to talk to him about it, but were given the cold shoulder. So he wants to figure it out by himself – fine, but he could have just told us. No, instead he just made us worry … and worry … and worry … and worry.

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But during this last year, he’s turned about and pushed away friends that have tried really hard to maintain a friendship with him. He’d be distant and anti-social … seemingly there in body only. He does not seem interested in anything going on. It was depressing. Some of us have tried talking to him, but were once again given the cold shoulder. Despite what this guy has to say in his defense, this is true.

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One person can be wrong. Two people can be wrong. But if three or more of your so-called closer friends see it, them maybe, just maybe, the problem does not lie in them, but in you. Hell, if a person travelling halfway around the world and not having seen you in months can see it … dammit, the shoe fucking fits … wear the fucking thing.

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See, a person with any sort of backbone, any sort of idea of which way is up, any sort of maturity would take that as sign. If your friends come to you telling you that they think there is something wrong and that they are concerned, wouldn’t you think about it and do something about it? Maybe ask them what they might be thinking?

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No. This dork goes and finds an escape in a new group of friends. This happens in such a manner that his closer friends could see that he’s looking for a fresh start with a crowd that doesn’t know him. But he made a big mistake in having assembled both crowds at the same event.

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Ah … you see, he even tried not to introduce people. Maybe he was hoping that people wouldn’t talk and get to know each other. Unfortunately, everything that could go wrong, did. These groups got to know each other and it was pretty clear they got along. I know for a fact, the old crew has much respect for the new crowd. Personally, I’ll go outright to say that I enjoy their company immensely.

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Now, the guy couldn’t stand it. He tried his best to manipulate the situation and separate the two groups. Such action was frowned upon by both crowds. This lead to the two crowds talking about it, and ultimately agreeing to help this guy out with his own insecurities. Some of us have attempted to contact him. He, on the other hand, approaches someone other than those whom contacted him. This is where everything gets fucked up.

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He doesn’t talk to anybody. He sticks to those who would hear him, and patronize him, or those he can trick or manipulate because they don’t know him well enough. This has left me extremely, extremely disappointed in him. At this point, he’s playing mind games and continuing to manipulate the situation, often leaving his old friends in the dust. Some of us feel that he’s basically been systematically cutting all ties with his old crew.

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It was seemingly an escalating issue until he earned entrance to a school elsewhere. Now that he’s leaving, he can afford to “let things blow over” and “move on”. Fact is, this guy’s problems run deep; so deep that he can’t see it. Telling him this would mean he’d take it as an attack on him. He’s effectively pushed away his friends whom have stayed true to him for years. It hurts. We are hurt. And he can’t see this. What a fucking joke … Some of us are at the point where we’re asking ourselves, “Why do we bother?”.

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Just so there is no confusing the situation, everything in this post up ’til now has been the background story in a nutshell. This is where I’m going to get personal with my thoughts, my feelings, and whatever the fuck I wanna say. If you’ve had enough and think I’m an asshole for airing this dirty laundry then feel free to fuck off. I don’t care anymore. I’ve been putting up with this shit for far too long. I’ve lost sleep over it. I’ve damaged some of my friendships with my friends over this. All of this because this little bugger can’t face it like a man. Fuck it. Here goes …

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I love my friends. No one who knows me can deny this. I would go balls-to-the-wall for them. My expectations are simple. I expect that they respect me as I respect them. My circle of friends I believe is small, but loyal. And those of you who know of this little corner of the internet are already on the inside track. There is a reason behind everything I do; there is method to my madness.

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It’s true. I haven’t been myself lately. The only times I can truly remember being myself as of late was at a fucking Denny’s after a club night and while on the phone during the wee hours of the morning with a new friend about this guy that’s causing me so much grief. For the most part, this guy depresses me. Any time he’s around, it bothers me. Even when he’s not around, I’m thinking about the dynamics of everything going on. I worry about it.

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I don’t often meet new friends anymore. I’m at the age where people are pretty set in their ways. Some years ago, I’d be meeting new people every month or so. This is why I was thankful for having met these 3 new friends. I’m particularly drawn to the 2 ladies.

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One who reminds me so much of my ex. She’s very out-going with a bubbly personality. Her energy is damn near contagious.

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The other, is a lot like God-Twin; so much in fact that God-Twin herself has made comments about how much I bring up the resemblance. It’s like that feeling you get when you meet someone you know is an equal in mind. I can’t explain it any better than that.

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In any case, I really like these people and there’s no reason why we can’t all get along. However, given our problem boy I can’t really be myself. These last months, I’ve found that I’ve almost been depressed when I’m out with people. I really want to get to know and become better acquainted with my new friends, but I feel that I can’t with him around.

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Some of you may say that I’m being selfish … that I’m stealing my buddy’s friends. I beg to say this is not true. For I even joked about how I’ve made almost zero effort in befriending them. It was that I had been invited out some events and I got to know them. At this point, any friendship that I may forge is beyond that of my middle-man buddy here. Besides, this is no competition. Why is it that he feels it is? How mature is that?

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So lately, he’s been “more involved” with his old crew. I think a big part of it is because he has to or he’s out of the loop since the old crew and the new crowd all hang out here and there. However, the dynamics aren’t the same. He doesn’t pay attention to the people in the old crew as much anymore. Lord knows he never calls us anymore. That’s been ongoing for about a year now. Here’s the kicker … he’s still trying to manipulate a wedge between the two groups.

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See, he’s pretty good at playing the victim. He’s the lost puppy that needs a home. He’s the little boy that the school kids exclude. Damn those sympathy strings he tugs. He’s a fucking master at telling you what he wants you to hear. Half-truths and misinforming words …

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When I say we, I mean his old buddies, the old crew. We have tried to talk to him. It hasn’t worked. He would talk. He won’t listen. Maybe he’s feeling gang-up on. Hmm … maybe he *still* doesn’t see his own problems. Hell, even his new friends see it. I mean, it wasn’t even the old crew that regarded him as “he who stirs the shit”.

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*We’ve* offered to talk. If he won’t see any of it, then he won’t hear from us. I think it’s fair to say that maybe it’s time to count our losses and cut-bait, turn and run. He obviously let us down. He’s disappointed us. He’s turned on us. He has pushed us away.

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Maybe it’s true what they say; that all good things come to an end. Perhaps this is it. And if it is … it’s been a pretty good run. There are some things about this guy I really love. I loved him like a brother. But these last years, it’s made my life fucking miserable. I can understand and accept going through tough times and being there for your pal. But when it comes down to it, I can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. Moreover, it’s starting to affect me and my life.

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I like my new friends. I like them a whole lot. This guy will no longer affect that because I don’t care anymore. In all of my dealing with this new crowd, I’ve tried to be so careful not to offend. I’ve had it. I’ll do what I wanna do. Hell, he’s been doing what he wants to do. Why should I suffer?

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I do wish him well though. I truly hope he figures it out. I truly hope he grows up. Maybe we can be the friends we once were. But in the meantime, he has to wake up and face himself in the mirror. Everything he once claimed he stood for, he’s walked away from. His insecurities have gotten the better of him. Grow up, boy. When you do, give us a call …

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