Posted: 10/01/2001 in None

*… I am slowly going crazy … 1 … 2 … 3 … 4 … 5 … 6 … switch … Slowly crazy I am going … 1 … 2 … 3 … 4 … 5 … 6 … switch …* … And this is where you’d hear the voice of this little child chanting, “This is boring … I’m so bored …”, just like out of a movie. Hi, welcome to my world …

Admittedly, I haven’t been the nicest person as of late. My closer friends have noticed that I’ve been short-tempered and more hostile in the last 5 months. Perhaps they are right. While driving, I’ve resorted to leaning on the horn, yelling, screaming, and gesturing to other drivers for their littlest infractions. My road rage has gotten a bit out of hand.

I used to pride myself on knowing what to and what not to say under any given circumstance. However, those days are gone. I’ve been swearing a lot more than I use to. Shooting my words ‘from the hip’ without so much as a thought of the repercussions.

I used to have infinite patience. Not so any anymore. Which would probably be why I’ve had several arguments with teachers during class. Embarrassing as may be for any two parties to be in the situation, what’s really getting to me is that I don’t really care much anymore.

If there’s any one thing anyone who knows me can say about me is that I care. But nowadays it’s not quite the same. It’s like I’m numb. And I’m not entirely sure why.

I’ve gone through a lot of shit in my life; probably more than the average person at my age. But these last 3 years have been very, very trying. I used be able to make it through with a bit of luck. These last 3 years, I’ve had to make my own luck.

Simply put, not much has gone my way in the last while. Certainly not this summer. I can honestly say this last summer was probably the worst summer in my memory. It had it’s high points … and then it had it’s low points.

I’ve one a lot of think this last month. I’ve been looking back at my life. Much like that of Tom Hanks‘ line from “Saving Private Ryan“, “… earn it …”, I pondered if I’ve accomplished anything in my life. Off hand, I’d have to say ‘no’, or rather, ‘very little’.

So it seems, everyone is off and running, knowing full well where they are headed. Me, on the other hand, I’m still stuck in the blocks. I admit, I’ve done some stupid things in my past. Many things I could have avoided, or prevented, so that I wouldn’t be in the position I am in today. People can say what they will, but these last 3 years, I’ve worked my ass off … and yet I’m still way short of my goal.

Sometimes it seems that I’m not ever going to get to where I want to be. It’s depressing. But what hurts is when you look back and realized that you fucked up, plain and simple. I know I’ve done just that. The cruel truth about the world is that second chances are hard to come by; and second chances are never as easy as the first one.

A (former) friend of mine told me once, that if you look at your life you’ll realize that there are several major facets that make or break your life. They are: Family, Spouse, Friends, Education, Money, and Employment. As of this very moment, I can say that only my family and friends have been a main-stay. Everything else is a crap-shoot.

I’ve very thankful for my friends. Everyday I count my lucky stars for having been blessed with them. I’m proud to say that I think that I have been blessed with more friends than the average person. I know that I have no shortage of people to turn to for help, for the laughs, for an ear, for a hug, or for a shoulder to cry on. And for that I truly love you all. I know I don’t say it enough, or at all for that matter … and I’m pretty certain I have a weird way of showing it. But, make no mistake that I do love you.

And so leads us to my point of the hour … These last 3 years, I’ve lost some friends, each for different reasons. Although, I’ve been assured of much support from my circle of friends, I know that I could have handled it differently, better. I’m not backing off, or going against my word. I firmly stand my ground on the issues, but our squabbles are simply not worth jeopardizing years of friendship.

Since last Christmas, my life has been rocked by many issues. Perhaps I’m not as level-headed as I thought I was. What I once held holy and true I know look upon with a cautious eye. What I thought to be evil has now shown itself to be as the norm. I’ve found that people are not generally fundamentally good-natured, as I had thought. Rather, people are selfish, self-serving and have little to no regard for the sake of others. Life is not as simple I once thought it was. I suppose it’s time for this little boy to grow up.

With having gone through what I’ve been through, I look back upon the squabbles and see that our troubles are so insignificant. So insignificant, in fact, that we should really push beyond these issues. Years of friendship shouldn’t be wasted over one’s mistakes. Forgive me as I will forgive you.

As I’ve made it a rule of mine not to retract anything I’ve posted here, I cannot retract my last posting. However, I do regret having posted it. It was inappropriate. For that I apologize.


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